What does compatibility really mean in surrogacy?
When you're considering surrogacy, compatibility isn't necessarily about having the same personality, the same interests or agreeing about everything. It's about whether you feel able to build a relationship based on openness, trust and mutual understanding.
More than matching on paper
A person’s profile can tell you quite a lot about them. Their circumstances, interests, hopes and what they're looking for from their journey. But it can't tell you everything.
Two people might appear to have a lot in common but discover, through conversation, that their expectations are very different. Equally, someone who looks quite different from you on paper might turn out to share the values and approach that matter most.
That's why taking the time to talk and get to know someone matters.
What might compatibility look like?
For Intended Parents and Surrogates, there can be some important things to explore together.
- How do you each communicate, and how often would you like to stay in touch?
- What are your expectations about appointments and involvement during the pregnancy?
- How would you each feel about the Intended Parents being present at scans or other appointments?
- What are the Surrogate's preferences around privacy, boundaries and support during pregnancy?
- How will you approach options around reasonable, pregnancy-related expenses?
There may also be conversations about how you would approach medical decisions and unexpected situations.
- What happens if the pregnancy doesn't go as planned?
- How might you approach decisions if medical advice changes?
- What are each person's hopes and expectations around the birth?
- Who would be there, and how would you support each other through what can be an emotional and unpredictable experience?
And then there is the relationship beyond the birth.
- What kind of contact would everyone hope to have afterwards?
- How might you talk about the Surrogate's relationship with the child?
- What would feel comfortable for everyone as the child grows up?
There may not be definitive answers to all of these questions at the beginning, but being willing to discuss them can help build understanding and trust.
Also, you don't need to have identical answers to all of these questions at the outset. What matters is being able to talk about them openly and understand each other's perspectives.
Compatibility develops through conversation
The Rainbow app gives potential Intended Parents and Surrogates the opportunity to connect and get to know each other before deciding whether they want to take things further.
A match doesn't mean you've made a commitment. It means you've found someone you'd like to talk to.
Finding out together
Rainbow doesn't decide whether two people are compatible, and it doesn't tell you when you're ready to move forward. That's for the people involved to discover for themselves.
Take your time. Ask questions. Talk about the things that matter. Be open about what you're looking for and listen to what the other person wants too.
You may discover that you aren't compatible. That’s okay. Or you may discover that you've found someone with whom you want to explore the next stage of your journey.
