The conversations people sometimes avoid
Starting a family involves some big conversations. When you're getting to know a potential surrogate or co-parent, it's often natural to focus on the things you have in common. Your hopes and values. The things that make you feel you could work well together.
But some of the most important conversations can be the ones that feel a little more difficult.
Talking about the things that matter
Surrogacy and co-parenting can involve decisions and circumstances that are difficult to predict.
In surrogacy, there can be some important conversations around pregnancy and birth.
- What are your expectations around communication and appointments?
- How involved would the Intended Parents like to be during the pregnancy?
- What are the Surrogate's preferences around medical decisions, the birth and contact afterwards?
- How would you approach unexpected changes during the pregnancy?
- And what kind of relationship would everyone hope to have after the baby is born?
- What will you deem to be ‘reasonable expenses’ {link to money article}
For co-parenting, the conversations can be different.
- What does being an involved parent mean to each of you?
- How might you share parenting responsibilities?
- Where would you each live, and how would you manage time with your child?
- How would you approach decisions about education, finances and healthcare?
- What role could your wider families play?
- And how might you navigate future relationships, changes in circumstances or disagreements about parenting?
These aren't necessarily conversations you need to have on your first interaction. But as a relationship develops, talking openly about the things that matter can help everyone understand what they are comfortable with and where there may be differences.
You don't have to agree on everything
Compatibility doesn't mean two people have identical views. In fact, discovering that you see something differently can be useful. It gives you an opportunity to understand why, talk through the possibilities and decide whether any differences are something you can work with.
The important thing is having the opportunity to talk about it before making decisions that affect your future family.
Take your time
There can be a natural excitement when you find someone who seems like a good match. But there is no need to rush from the first conversation to a commitment to each other.
Ask questions. Talk about the things that are important to you. Give each other space to think. And remember that it's okay to decide that a particular connection isn't right for you. A conversation doesn't have to lead to an arrangement.
Some conversations are worth having early
Building a family together is a big decision and difficult conversations shouldn't necessarily put you off. They can help you more clearly understand what you want and lead to more informed decisions about whether you want to continue the journey together.
